


Finale

by LadyNightsong



Series: Sicut in Caelo et in Terra [6]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, also friendship all around i love this, everyone else is mentioned but its kinda his journal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 23:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12758925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNightsong/pseuds/LadyNightsong
Summary: Alphonse believes Ed needs a way to express his thoughts, and in his opinion, the best way for Ed to do so would be to journal.This is the result- seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly.





	1. 9 January 1915

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying something new for this finale, because I wanted it to have a different feel and realized that I needed to address many things in a relatively short amount of time. Couldn't monologue, so I made journal entries instead. I was actually surprised- pleasantly- by the world-building, relationship building, and character development that I could do through this!

Damn, Al can be a nosy bastard. And a persistent one, too. He’s been pestering me about journaling and “having an outlet” for days now because of something Riza said. 

So here I am, writing. Bc this is like the only way to get him to shut up. And I can see him hovering out of the corner of my eye. 

Nosy little brother. 

I guess he’s not wrong, though. Having to live up here in the Pantheon is really getting to me. It’s only been like… oh gosh. A month? Man that’s hard to believe, bc ever since all that stuff with Mrs. Gracia happened life has been weird. Really weird.  Dunno how I’m gonna live here long-term. At least I’ve got Al, and Winry, and Riza. and Roy… I guess. Ugh. And while Hughes may be over the top sometimes, he and Mrs. Gracia are always nice and helpful. So maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.

But I can tell Gracia’s still a little shaken. Hell, we all are. That was horrible- to see Maes bleeding like that, and Gracia being so distant. 

And the feeling of creating tissue. I’m never gonna forget that. 

but I probably shouldn’t dwell on it, huh? It’s all in the past. We’re licking our wounds and moving on. Maybe the homunculi now know everything about our little operation, but we can work around it. A lot of it wasn’t news to them, bc they knew Hohenheim had disappeared from the Pantheon to protect himself. It’s not like we know where he is, so. Yeah. Neither do they. 

ughhhhhhhh I still don’t get why Al insisted I do this. Whatever. I’m stressed, sure, but so is he, and having to rethink our codes is hurting everyone’s brains. 

I think I’m gonna go to the garden. This place is making me feel claustrophobic and the depressive cloud being swept away still casts a shadow, and I’ve had enough.

Wow, I should remember that. Not half bad. Go me.

Anyway, Al drifted away. I’ve got to find a place to hide this where he or Roy won’t find it. Maybe I should just burn it. 


	2. 24 January 1915

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These will be shorter, since they're designed to be journal entries, but I'm posting them all at once because of that.

Well. Didn’t end up burning it. 

I'm only doing this because I’m bored, but whatever. It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about this notebook. At least things have gotten a bit better since I wrote in it last time. 

Don’t get me wrong, the pyromaniac is still grating on my nerves (can’t believe I thought he was cool when I was little. Wonder what all the Amestrians worshipping in the temples and praying would think if they knew how ridiculous he could be?) but truth be told he isn’t that bad. And Gracia’s stopped freezing up at loud noises. We’re getting somewhere. 

Nah, life is pretty okay. Win’s finally finished learning about automail down there and spends a lot of her time up here now. It’s nice. Al’s the only other teen around here, and you need friends as well as brothers sometimes. I guess if anything isn’t okay it’s the fact that we’re getting so much closer to finding Hohenheim. 

Holy shit. 

Desperate, five year old me probably would’ve been happy about that, even if he wouldn’t wanna show it. And I can see Al is so much less conflicted about it, so I’m trying to be happy for his sake. But still. 

I don’t even know what I feel about him now. 

I mean, if he had wanted to be our dad at all, he could’ve taken countless opportunities to make our lives better and been there for us. Not just could’ve, should’ve. That bastard disappeared for like a decade and left us to raise ourselves. 

So what’s gonna happen when we find him? 

I can see why Roy wants to find him. When the whole balance thing was explained to me, I didn’t get it, thought it was bs. But I can see how Truth’s becoming too powerful, running unchecked. Some deities I’ve talked to, you can literally  _ see _ how their bodies or personalities are being corrupted. I guess that’s what happens when the force of order in the universe runs down to the human world, has some kids, and leaves the literal force of chaos all alone in charge. Like, I know that it was because the homunculi were after him and he needed to protect himself and his power, but damn. Maybe he’s stupid and a bastard. 

Don’t know, don’t ~~wanna~~ care. 

Oh- someone’s going up the stairs


	3. 26 Jan 1915

That was too close, journal. Dang. I guess it wouldn’t be the worst if Al saw I was writing, but I just know he’d be at least a little smug, and for some reason I kinda want this to stay my thing. I dunno. 

Gah, okay, the weirdest thing about living up here is the pacing. Like, some days, there’s so much to do and we’re visiting five new places for some reason or another and then there’ll be whole weeks where nothing is really happening at all. It’s screwy as hell, and the weeks where all we can do is train and talk with Winry and maybe visit Granny with nothing regarding Hohenheim or the homunculi are boring. 

Though I guess none of those things are bad, it’s just I get antsy, ya know? At least there’s stuff up here. I should have realized it when Teacher showed us the garden, but deities and Guardians get bored too, so a lot of them take up hobbies or interests. So we’ve got some shops, a library and gallery, and stuff like that. I’ve heard of some deities going and getting simple jobs just for something to do and giving their salary away. 

That’s all good and stuff, but Al and I don’t have wings, so our options are limited like you wouldn’t  _ believe _ . It sucks. Badly. But, hey, Win’s coming up tomorrow from Rush Valley, and I haven’t broken anything. 

We’re still no closer to finding Hohenheim, so maybe I was worried for nothing and getting myself worked up. But we  _ are _ planning to visit the north of Amestris tomorrow. It looks like part of their plan involves an Amestrian fort in the north. Should be great, going in winter. (I’m not looking forward to it.)

  
But whatever. It’s about time we made some progress. Art galleries have never been my thing. They’d be so much cooler if there was more red leather. Man, that shit is the  _ coolest _ , and anyone who disagrees has absolutely no taste. Or maybe skulls! I should suggest that next time I’m there. I can imagine Al’s sigh, but he doesn’t know jack. Coolness is where older brothers like myself excel.


	4. 4 February 1915

~~ I’m n ~~

 

~~ ma ~~

 

holy shit. 

 

this changes so much. 

We had always wondered what the homunculi were after. Why go rouge? What was so threatening to Hohenheim that he had to disappear from the Pantheon? 

They’re fucking after his power. They want to get rid of the literal. force. of order. and creation. in the universe. and I can  _ barely _ fucking comprehend the implications of that.

and of  _ course _ he has a physical manifestation of his power! of course! I mean, this just couldn’t get any more rich! ~~what’s~~

...I was about to ask what’s next, but I don’t wanna tempt fate like that. 

I don’t…… I don’t even have any words. 

Hell, I probably shouldn’t be writing this down. 

But we can’t let them get the philosopher’s stone. No matter what, they can’t get their hands on it. 

 

It makes me nauseous to even  _ think _ about what’s gonna happen if we fail now. 

 

I think I hear someone coming. I don’t even wanna face anyone right now. I’m going to the garden.


	5. 5 February 1915

Al and I just wanted our parents back.

 

All those years ago, when all this stuff originated, we just wanted a family again. People to call our own.

And now we’re wrapped up in saving the world? How did that happen? I don’t want any of this. This is _way_ above my pay grade. I’m just an orphan from the countryside who was raised by a single mom until she died.

But damn, I can’t just stand by and watch. How could I? How could anyone?

...maybe I didn’t want any of this, but now it’s too late to turn back.

Al and I are way in over our heads.

I think we both agree we’ve got no other choice but to drown.

 _fuck_ isn’t even emphatic enough right now.

this is short, journal, but I’ve got way too many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head right now to even write down. We can’t just bury our heads in the sand and carry on.

So if it’s sink or swim and we’re drowning, we’re going down thrashing. The homunculi can’t succeed. It’s that… sickeningly simple.

 

 

* * *

 

 

...I just had a thought. I wonder how Roy and Riza are taking this? And Maes and Gracia? I mean, this… changes a lot. I wonder if it’s concerning them. It’s been almost two months since the incident with Gracia and Maes, and I bet they don’t love the idea of their lives and world being in danger again. Argh. They don’t deserve this. Not in my opinion, anyway. Call it a character flaw if you want, but… they don’t deserve this stress. I know ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t exist, but ‘peace’ should.

Whatever. It’s really late. I waited until Al thought I was asleep and wandered off to write in this, and my exhausted brain is done.


	6. 20 February 1915

I guess it’s kinda become a habit now to write in here when I’m stressed, huh? Hm. Guess nosy, persistent little brothers can sometimes be right. It is nice to be able to see my thoughts in writing, and know they’ll still be mine. I mean, it’s not like I could spew this at anyone else. 

Okay…. maybe Riza, or maybe Maes, on second thought. But still, a lot of this is so raw. I dunno. Guess it doesn’t matter that much. I’ve got the journal. 

Ugh. Win needs to maybe relax the pressure on me some. Obv we couldn’t keep all that’s going on from her- it’s too big- so we explained what the homunculi were all about to her, right? And what’s her reaction? “Alrighty, Ed, those are some pretty high stakes stacked against you, but promise me you’ll be able to fix everything and make the world okay again!” 

like, what?! Who does she think I am???? Sure as heck I’m gonna try, but she’s putting a helluva lotta faith in me. 

I really,  _ really _ don’t want that to be misplaced and cost her something important. Like her life. 

It’s unreasonable. I get what she’s trying to do, but if she wants to motivate me, placing  _ really unreasonable _ pressure on me to save the world probably won’t help. I’m so stressed, I’ve reverted to writing in this again. 

Ha. 

I just… I want her to come out of this okay. Guardians still have an element or mortality to them. Deities are, like, intrinsically bound or some shit to this whole system of balance, and even their kids to a lesser extent, but that doesn’t apply to her or Riza or Maes. So that means that if the worst happens, she could feasibly be fine when all is said and done, even if something happens to Al and I. 

But  _ no _ . Her stubbornness is the most frustrating aspect of her personality, sometimes, honestly. Though, I mean… I guess I partially get it. It technically is her duty to protect us. I just really wish that didn’t mean she was risking her life. 

Ugh. Okay. Rant over. I just looked at the time and I’ve got to go anyways. 


	7. 7 March 1915

You’ll never guess what happened today. 

 

We got a lot of other info besides the homunculi’s goal in the north. So we were visiting a town by South City that we thought they were in, and I guess we weren’t the only ones who thought they’d be there. 

Hohenheim was investigating them too. So after all these years, we were planning a stakeout when we finally see him again. 

Al noticed him first, actually. It was kinda funny: he gasps, jumping to his feet, right? And then he just takes off! Sprinting down the street! And Roy and I chase after him like “AL what the HECK” and he just yells his name. 

I think the matchstick may have stopped short, but… hey, I suddenly had a lot on my mind. I’m not actually sure. 

The bastard hears his name, and turns around, okay? And he just looks at us in shock, asking our names as if he’d forgotten we existed. I can’t even believe.

Ya know, it was probably a good thing it happened so suddenly, in retrospect. If I had seen him from afar and had time to prepare I would’ve been freaking out and probably would’ve ended up… punching him or something, I dunno. But as it is, he has the upper hand because he’s the only one not freaking out in some way, and what does he do? Takes one look at Al and I and be all like, “oh, I guess you’ve met Truth.” And proceeds to throw my worst mistake in our faces. 

Man. I saw red, honestly. 

So I think I maybe did try to punch him. I don’t remember the next few minutes after that. After all this time, we see our dad again, and he’s probably the hugest douchebag possible. Acting like he’d forgotten our existence? Casually asking about the thing that keeps us up at night (every damn night, in Al’s case?) 

Now I don’t even know what to think. 

Al and I actually got the chance to talk about it- a little bit, at least. I can’t help but feel bad for him. For years he wanted to believe this guy could be the father we needed. It was naïve, but that’s why I’m the older brother, and I guess… I could never truly begrudge Al for somehow holding on to what we lost. But now he’s having to rethink all that. It just hurts.

Wish I could help him, but I’ve believed for a long time that that guy lost his chance to be a father to us years ago. This is something Al’s gonna have to work through on his own. 

Though it wasn’t exactly fun to have my jaded view so harshly validated. Heck, I know it’s jaded. I’m fully aware. But life is like that. Sometimes it sucks. It sucked particularly badly when I was justified. 

But Al doesn’t deserve any of life’s shit. The necromancy was my idea, and i know I’ve got to pay for our mistake. But it’s unfair that he should lose so much when it should be me, dammit. 

I can imagine what he’d tell me, if I told him I thought that way. Heck, the whole squad would probably give me feelsy shit about ‘moving on from guilt’ or whatever. And don’t get me wrong, I know that if we want to get our bodies back we’ll need to keep moving forward with research and whatnot. None of that changes the fact that it was my fault, though. 

Damn, this got dark. 

Guess that’s to be expected since this is the first time we’ve seen Hohenheim since he turned his back on our family and walked through the door. At least we know we’re onto something with keeping a watch on that place for the homunculi. And right about now he’s meeting with Roy and the rest of them to combine intel and figure something out. Though nothing's gonna be happening very soon.  

...this is gonna be weird. And I’d actually gotten used to life up here. Ugh. 


	8. 20 April 1915

Well. Things are moving along. 

That plan we were figuring out? It’s actually fairly smart. I’m not sure whose idea it was to bait the homunculi with the Philosopher’s stone, but I think it’ll work as long as they don’t figure out our game. And that’s not likely, so I mean we have a pretty good chance of succeeding here. They’re probably smart enough to not all come just in case, but cutting down on their numbers will be great. So things are looking up. 

Plus, the pyromaniac actually had the best idea yesterday. (Can’t believe I actually said that???) but anyway he swore me to secrecy and then asked if I thought breathing fire would be cool.  _ Would it be?!?!  _ No dip!! And I told him so! The maniacal grin on his face probably should’ve worried me, but eh. Fire breathing would  _ legit _ almost be as cool as a horned skull decal on a car. And while I’m not too sure about this whole “sworn to secrecy even from Riza” thing, I can understand how she doesn’t have the refined sense of  _ epic _ that Roy and I sometimes share. 

Anyway, today we’re carrying out that plan. I’m writing because nervousness woke me up early and I know I’ve got like zilch chance of going back to sleep. Plus, it’s nice to look out at all the lights. It’s calming. I can kinda hear Roy and Riza in the office, and Maes and Gracia and Al in the kitchen, but it’s muffled enough to not be distracting. 

Oh, I think I hear Al coming back...  
  


* * *

 

Dang, it’s late. I’m probably just gonna drop soon. But I was right- it went well, all things considered. There was no sign of Pride, Sloth, or Greed, but the rest are finally dead and Wrath is missing. It was a long day. They didn’t go easily at all. And it’s really stressing Gracia out that Wrath is now just out there, which is honestly understandable. I mean, it’s kinda stressing  _ me _ out. We’d been hoping to put more of a dent in their end game. But I can’t complain. Any progress is good. And, hey, these guys are supposed to be unkillable, so I guess getting rid of almost half their group is  _ really _ good. 

I’m too tired, for a multitude of reasons, to think about it. I’m drained, man. I didn’t actually have to face killing someone, and I mean I’ve told Riza and Roy that I refuse to so I probably don’t need to worry about that, but still. Just one more reason I’m a mess and want to sleep. Like I said, I’m drained. 

...but I think it’s partially in a good kinda way? We succeeded. We’re all okay. We’re keeping our eyes forward because now we’re that much closer. And, I mean, when the balance of powers in the universe is at stake, that’s doing  _ really good _ . Damn. 

Though I can’t help but wonder. Why do the homunculi want this power anyway? I mean, they have to have a reason beyond just “because we’re evil.” That right there is ‘underdeveloped radio drama baddie’ and these are actual beings going after crazy high stakes. Obviously they have a lot to gain, but I wonder if that’s the only reason. Hm.

Nope. Too tired to think about this right now. I’ll probably never know. Goodnight. 


	9. 21 August 1915

...it’s been a while, huh? Hard to believe. Life’s been really busy. 

A lot has changed. Everything? Maybe. But “everything has changed” sounds too much like chiche song lyric shtick (is that even how you spell it?) and, nope, not doing that. But still. 

I got to actually hug my brother again. 

 

He got to eat Gracia’s apple pie. 

 

Today, we’re dropping by Resembool. He’s gonna get to walk through the grass and feel it on his feet and when we visit the stream he’ll be able to feel the water running over his hand. 

 

Ugh, my face is in the dopiest grin right now, but I really  _ really  _ can’t bring myself to care. Nobody’s around. It’s so hard to believe though. For so long I’ve been living my life in terms of the future, and working towards a definitive point, and now I kinda don’t know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy- that doesn’t even, like, cover it, this is probably the happiest and most  _ at peace _ I think I’ve ever been- but i’m already feeling a little restless. Life has changed for the better, that’s an understatement. But it’s still changed. 

What do you do when you had something you based your whole life around, and suddenly it’s not there anymore?

...I guess I’m gonna have to rethink my life. Ugh. But it’s not wrong, is it? I’m not the same kid I was, haven’t been for a while. And now my brother can grow and change too. That’s how it should be. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for so long, to get my brother his body back (and then prevent life as we know it from being over, once we learned about the homunculi.) Roy and Riza essentially reinstated balance, too, since Hohenheim’s now back where he belongs. They’re working closely with him, to mitigate what Truth did and awhole bunch of other stuff. I think it would have made me angry a few years ago, that they’re working with him, but… this is probably the most genuinely happy I’ve ever seen them.

...we had a really bad reunion, but I’m glad that wasn’t it. Al and I deserved an explanation for why he left. It doesn’t… change the fact that he left us. When we needed him, he wasn’t there, and nothing could have made up for that. But I’m still glad I got the  _ why _ .

It’s nice to know it wasn’t because… ~~because he hated us~~

yeah. 

 

We did it. It’s over now. I’m sure I’ll deal with this. It’s probably about time I built my identity on something other than our quest and my mistake anyhow. 


	10. 9 June 1948

...this morning, when Al and I were clearing out the house, we noticed this shoved under the dresser. I don’t think I’ve thought about it in decades. I was right, all those years ago, that he’d be at least a little bit smug at me taking his advice. 

Reading it after so long was… intense. I really struggled with the guilt, didn’t I? ...well, I guess that’s natural. Heck, even this much later, sometimes I still get days where I’m reminded again and again of it. Guess some things never change. At least I can definitely say I’m learning how to deal with it better. 

Reading this, I can’t help but wonder if there was a flaw in my thinking. I emphasized moving forward and looking to the future so much, and that mentality definitely helped us achieve our goal and get back up again, which is good… but still. Did I ever pause to recognize all the good? I had so much support from everyone around me. I hope I looked around and saw how they were there for me instead of always keeping my gaze forward. I’ll have to give Riza and Izumi and Garcia and Maes hugs next time I see them. Can’t imagine doing that to the pyromaniac, though… maybe I’ll make Gracia my accomplice and run down to Central to grab a “World’s #1 Dad” mug. I’ll be giving him an appreciative gift- and I’m already laughing at the face he’ll make. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. 

Maybe writing one last entry will give this journal some closure. Somehow, it feels right to be making one last entry, even though it’s been so long. I lived through all that. Life is… actually good now. Since i’m just a demigod and don’t have wings, Win and I decided to come back down to Earth and live our lives. She has some automail students now, and I have some students of my own studying alchemy at the university near Rush Valley. Sure, in a while we’re probably gonna want to move to avoid someone realizing we don’t age, but it’s still a good life. I’m… at peace. Or getting there. 

The world is so beautiful. I’m glad I’m able to muddle through all that i’ve been through to see that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read all of Sicut in Caelo? Thank you so much. Thanks to all who read it, all who enjoyed, and all who decided to leave a kudos. Thank you, Dani, for the gorgeous artwork, and to the mods for hosting the event. It's been stressful sometimes, but it was fun, and as I've never truly written fanfic before it was a good experience ^.^


End file.
